Waiting...

There's a reason this movie was made. It was an homage, if you will, to all of us out there who have to do this shit job for a living. If you have ever waited tables, you know what I'm talking about.

There's always some d-bag acting like they know more about the food you serve than you do, or they pronounce it differently but look at YOU like YOU'RE the idiot when you say it right. Maybe you got the "verbal tip" from a table, you know, where they tell you how awesome you were but leave you barely ten percent. There's the psycho mom who demands you sing Happy Birthday to her snot-nosed asshole teenager. There's the family of weirdos who insist on calling you by your first name like they've known you more than 30 seconds. Let's not forget the hopeless freaks who beg you make them something that's not even close to being on the menu. What about the people who you just can't seem to please, I mean no amount smiling I'
m sorry's will soothe them until they've gotten everything comped? I could go on and on...

But let me break it down bitch-style for all you peeps who have never waited tables and think that we are all millionaires from the three bucks you leave us.

First, i get paid four bucks an hour. That's not a typo, shit for brains. Four fucking dollars. See, our wonderful legislators here in Illinois (as well as many other states) are counting on you, dear customer, to leave a sufficient tip, so they allow for our bosses to give us the high, hard one. The shaft. To bend us over and use NO lube. You get the picture.

Second, out of that four bucks a fucking hour, we get our taxes taken out, so every two weeks, i get a paycheck that's usually not enough to fill up one tank of gas.

Third, we have to tip out a bartender, a busser, and a food runner from our nights tips. In my restaurant, it's 12% of what i make to the bussers, 8% to the bartender, and seven bucks to the food runner. THIS IS NOT AN OPTION. I don't get to cheat on this because my boss looks at my credit card receipts and what i rung up in food sales and figures on what i should be tipping out. When you work in chain restaurants, it's on the report at the end of the night, telling you what you MUST tip out OR ELSE. Why do we have to tip out? Well, the bartender also gets four bucks an hour. And the busser? If he spoke English, he could complain about his four bucks an hour, but he gets even less, I'm sure. Again, the gov't assumes you fuckfaces are going to tip appropriately so they let them get the shitty end of the stick also.

Do me a favor, unless it gives you a tingle in your shriveled nether regions to leave a disgustingly small tip, go to McDonald's asshole!! I'm not interested in waiting on you and your family while you let your spoiled, horribly rude children run around my restaurant like it's a fucking playground! And don't give me that old i can't afford a big tip bullshit line either. Yet another reason you and your hillbob brood should stay the fuck home and grill some possum or whatever it is you nasties eat. Oh, but this is also for those moms who get together with other moms, let their children act like savages while the waitstaff is left to babysit, and leave a paltry 15% tip. You are all a bunch of fat whores who should have kept your legs closed.

Do not forget, dear customer, there is a place on the internet where disgruntled wait persons go to write your names down and whatever else they feel like writing...sometimes it is even illegal what they do. I have heard stories. Just sayin'.

"Let's play a game. It's called whoever treats the waiter like a human being gets to NOT go to hell!" ~Will Truman, Will&Grace