"Carpooling" Assholes

So here's what got my undies in a bunch today, or rather, got them so twisted and so far up my crack, they may never fucking come out.

I carpool with another family in the morning. May i just say a family of crazy christians? Okay then, I'm putting it out there into the universe.

I drive Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. They drive Tuesday and Thursday, except every other Thursday, when the kids go in late for "school improvement day," then they drive that Friday. You with me so far?

These idiots are late so often, that my kid is getting referrals constantly about how she needs to be on time for class and blah blah blah.

See, here's the thing- it doesn't matter if their kid is late, because she's not a student there, she only takes high school math there(as does my younger child), so they can't touch her if she's late. So, this is simply a case of "it doesn't matter to me, therefore, I won't care about you." Simple selfishness.

Might I also add...typical christians. First of all, the mom is forever trying to recruit me into her church, to which my heathen ass politely declines. There will come a day when I am not so polite. That day may be soon.

She calls and wants me to go to her Wednesday morning women's bible study group, which by it's very nature has me creeped out. I don't believe the bible has anything geared specifically toward women's rights except maybe...yeah...nevermind...they got nothing. Guess what I'm all about? You got it- women's rights. Birth control, abortion, voting, keeping my last name when i get married if i so choose, the whole bit. I am no one's property, nor will I allow myself to be treated as such. So the thought of sitting around with a bunch of other crazies while we talk about how we can be better wives makes me wanna stab someone in the eyeball with a crucifix.

She gets me into an hour long phone call as to why I am an atheist and her main argument is "well, you can't see Poland, but you know it's there, right?" To which I want to reply, "Yeah, but I can go there whenever I want to, and I don't have to be DEAD to do so." It's frustrating, to say the least.

My final point about how crazy these weirdos are is this- they lived in Croatia for five years because they were on a mission to stop ethnic cleansing in their own special way. How? By converting all the Muslims to Christians!!!! That's gotta be about as easy as asking Dina Lohan to stop acting like a coked-up old skeezer and start acting like a mom. Or asking the pope to please stop wearing white all the damn time. Or asking an eyes-glazed-over Katie Holmes-Cruise to lay off the Paxil/Zoloft/Lexapro cocktail so we can see some of the formerly sparkling personality of hers.

Done!

I thought developers were desperate to sell...

I've had it. I've really had it.

My mom passed away from cancer in December 2007. My siblings and I inherited quite a bit of money from it, and instead of squandering mine on worthless objects I decided I would purchase my own house. After some shopping around I found my little dream town home in Joliet. It was a new development, so I'd have to wait for it to be built, but the wait was 6 months which I didn't think would be too bad.

I signed my contract in February 2008 and was given an approximate closing date of "August/September 2008". I was told they would be starting the framing of the building very soon and in 6 months I would be able to move. I was so freakin' excited, I went to tour the model home about 10 times.

Fast foward a little bit: March, no progress. April, no progress. May, no progress. I was given no update other than "They'll be starting framing in May!" Then I'm told that they can't build my house for a long time because the other units haven't sold. Why wasn't I told this? It's been 3 months...

So, the 'corporate' office offers to sell me 1) the model home or 2) one of the already built ones. The already built ones are out because they only include the standard floor plan, not the upgraded one that I had put in my contract. The model home wouldn't be too bad - it's only missing a few things I wanted. My contract house price was around $206,000. I emailed them to see 1) how long the wait would be to move into the model and 2) how much of a discount I would get off of it for it being a model.

Imagine my dismay when the price came back $240,000 but it could be all mine for $216,000. There was no model discount, the $216,000 only included the regular discounts they were offering on 50% off upgrades. Instead they would just like $10,000 more of my dollars for inconveniencing me. If they had said $195,000 I would have been happy. But I'm not paying more or even the same price for a house that doesn't include the stuff I wanted.

And so now what was supposed to be a good thing that would help me honor my mom's memory by not pissing away her money on worthless crap has turned into a nightmare for me which will have to involve hiring a lawyer to get out of my contract and get my $4,000 deposit back.

Thanks, Timber Oaks LLC Joliet from Kipling Homes. You suck ass.

Unsolicited advice and the d-bags that give it out...

This will be a quickie, I promise, and all you have to do is lay there...

I started a website for my home-based business, yay me. Against my better judgment, i decided to ask my myspace 'friends' what they though of it in a preliminary fashion. I stated clearly that i didn't care if sounded like an asshole, but i didn't want to look like i had a fourth grade education. For the most part, i got a lot of "yay you!" and "it's hilarious, i can totally see you saying that stuff!"
some people even told me to capitalize my i's, which i know, i have a bad habit of not doing.

Then i got a shitty message from someone i have never met and will never meet who told me i sounded like an angry checkout girl. She went on to say that she would never buy my goodies because of my attitude. She told me that older people would be offended my nastiness.

I'm pretty sure i didn't ask what you though of my personality, you cunty, wrinkled fucktard. I wanted input on the fonts, layout, etc.

I was fairly nice back when i told her that i had no intention of changing my personality- regardless of money- because some old hag can't take a joke. I ended up changing a lot of it anyway because I'm trying to sound funny, not mean, and i guess not everyone gets my sense of humor.

That's it. I'm done. Undies un-bunched.

Metrosexual, or copying the gays you hate...

I am a little lost with this whole metro-sexual craze and where/when in the hell it started.


As far back as I can remember, and even farther back if you look at history, the “straight men” of this world (and furthermore this nation) have done nothing but belittle and torture gay men for living their lives. If you are gay, or know of any gay men, then you have probably heard of this happening. By the end of this little rant you will see just how incompetent, mindless, and useless most of these “straight men” are. Now, I must add that not all “straight men” need be lumped into this group, because there are a select few who do not belong there, although 98% of them do.

These “straight men” have been known to say such things as “faggot, queer, queen, pussy, sissy etc.”, and if you were to ask them why they do this or why they assume that the person in which they are heckling are indeed gay they would respond “for a number of reasons." Some of these reasons being; the way he is dressed, does his hair, walks, waxes his eye brows/legs/arms, his highlights, earrings, nipple rings, tanning, manicures, pedicures, and so on and so on.

The most irritating part of all this was that most of them look like dumpy old unwashed miscreants. Within the last few years, these “straight men” have become hypocrites to the fact that they now have been doing exactly what they have made fun of for all these years. I have seen some of the transition first hand; the clothing they now wear, the fact that they frequent salons instead of barbershops to get their hair/highlights, nails, eyebrows, facials, etc. done, and even product lines like Clinique and Lancôme have started releasing men’s lines of makeup. I have also seen mannerisms change and them acting more and more gay in mocking ways at first, but in much more convincing ways than gay men themselves. The piercings and hair removal and tanning have also increased immensely. The way around them not being called such names as mentioned earlier was to make up a whole new word and way of life by naming these “straight men” metrosexuals.

The term “metrosexual” is just a cop out and I think it should be called exactly what it is- “thank you gay men.” For showing us the ways of the world so that women may look and gay men may look at us without wanting to vomit. While on the topic of gay men looking at straight men, I think it should be noted that just because a gay man looks at you or compliments you, it does not mean that he wants to touch you, or better yet, to fuck you.

You hit on women all the time and get turned down, because believe it or not you are not the end all of the entire world!

When you say “I am cool with gay guys as long as they don’t try to hit on me” you should look in the mirror and think if you are even worthy of that gay guy hitting on you.

One last point on this subject is on hate crimes. Straight men beat and kill gay men far too often and always with the defense “but they hit on me, or touched me, or I just hate faggots." If this is the case, then almost every man on the planet would be hospitalized/dead because thats what happens to women constantly.

In closing I must also say that most women do not find it cool or sexy when a man has a need to scream hateful things at other men just to seem like an alpha male. Most women I this world would just look at you for exactly what you are, a hateful fucking d-bag asshole.

Waiting...

There's a reason this movie was made. It was an homage, if you will, to all of us out there who have to do this shit job for a living. If you have ever waited tables, you know what I'm talking about.

There's always some d-bag acting like they know more about the food you serve than you do, or they pronounce it differently but look at YOU like YOU'RE the idiot when you say it right. Maybe you got the "verbal tip" from a table, you know, where they tell you how awesome you were but leave you barely ten percent. There's the psycho mom who demands you sing Happy Birthday to her snot-nosed asshole teenager. There's the family of weirdos who insist on calling you by your first name like they've known you more than 30 seconds. Let's not forget the hopeless freaks who beg you make them something that's not even close to being on the menu. What about the people who you just can't seem to please, I mean no amount smiling I'
m sorry's will soothe them until they've gotten everything comped? I could go on and on...

But let me break it down bitch-style for all you peeps who have never waited tables and think that we are all millionaires from the three bucks you leave us.

First, i get paid four bucks an hour. That's not a typo, shit for brains. Four fucking dollars. See, our wonderful legislators here in Illinois (as well as many other states) are counting on you, dear customer, to leave a sufficient tip, so they allow for our bosses to give us the high, hard one. The shaft. To bend us over and use NO lube. You get the picture.

Second, out of that four bucks a fucking hour, we get our taxes taken out, so every two weeks, i get a paycheck that's usually not enough to fill up one tank of gas.

Third, we have to tip out a bartender, a busser, and a food runner from our nights tips. In my restaurant, it's 12% of what i make to the bussers, 8% to the bartender, and seven bucks to the food runner. THIS IS NOT AN OPTION. I don't get to cheat on this because my boss looks at my credit card receipts and what i rung up in food sales and figures on what i should be tipping out. When you work in chain restaurants, it's on the report at the end of the night, telling you what you MUST tip out OR ELSE. Why do we have to tip out? Well, the bartender also gets four bucks an hour. And the busser? If he spoke English, he could complain about his four bucks an hour, but he gets even less, I'm sure. Again, the gov't assumes you fuckfaces are going to tip appropriately so they let them get the shitty end of the stick also.

Do me a favor, unless it gives you a tingle in your shriveled nether regions to leave a disgustingly small tip, go to McDonald's asshole!! I'm not interested in waiting on you and your family while you let your spoiled, horribly rude children run around my restaurant like it's a fucking playground! And don't give me that old i can't afford a big tip bullshit line either. Yet another reason you and your hillbob brood should stay the fuck home and grill some possum or whatever it is you nasties eat. Oh, but this is also for those moms who get together with other moms, let their children act like savages while the waitstaff is left to babysit, and leave a paltry 15% tip. You are all a bunch of fat whores who should have kept your legs closed.

Do not forget, dear customer, there is a place on the internet where disgruntled wait persons go to write your names down and whatever else they feel like writing...sometimes it is even illegal what they do. I have heard stories. Just sayin'.

"Let's play a game. It's called whoever treats the waiter like a human being gets to NOT go to hell!" ~Will Truman, Will&Grace

See, the thing about drive throughs is....

So here's what got my unders in a bunch today.

I'm in line at the bank, the drive through. You know, where it's ALLEGEDLY supposed to be quicker? Anyway, I have these checks i need to deposit. They have only been in my purse for a few hours but here's the sitch- (you know, situation? get it, smarty?)

We are broke. Like broker than broke. Like, I'm so broke i can't even pay attention, broke. This is partially due to my internet spending habits, and partially due to my partner's penchant for expensive toys that he does not need. (Blackberry? But you work in a factory! Hummer? But we don't have to haul or tow anything! And we live in the suburbs, not the mountains! PS3? But we already have the xbox and the Wii! WTF?)

So, I'm desperate to make my deposit because i know a million dollars worth of checks are going to clear while i'm waiting here. I'm behind this dude, and he's wearing a tie, so right away, i do NOT like him. To me, the suit people are part of the problem, never the solution. They don't recycle, they don't buy fair trade coffee, they don't buy organic cotton clothing, etc. They are the worst kind of consumers- the kind who simply consume. But there he is, sitting there, talking on what must have been an iphone because he kept touching it. FIFTEEN MUTHERFUCKING MINUTES GO BY. I could not go into another lane because a scraggly looking super old black man, who i swear must have been Harriet Tubman's granddad, was parked so close to my ass, he might as well have built himself a home up there. I waved him back so that i could move, to no avail. He gave me the shrugged shoulder "I'm a complete retard" look. Sighs angrily.

Meanwhile, the suit is taking something out of the drawer contraption...it's a money bag!!! You sonofabitch! You couldn't have walked your lazy piece of shit ass inside to do that!?!? They don't have a special lane for business at this bank. I know some banks do, but not this one. Fucker.

I was horribly rude to the lady in the window when it was my turn. "Don't you have some policy that you could remind people like that about?" She replies, "I can't really tell him i won't wait on him." I reply, "So you think it's better to make me and the people behind me wait because you don't want to tell him, 'I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to come inside for your transaction.'?" She does not answer and then says have a nice day. I pull away.

Guess where this douchehead was going? Guess where i saw this colossal asshole was pulling up to when i left my bank? Guess? Fucking Starbuck's!!!! He's one of THEM!! The can-i-get-a halfcafdoubleshotcaramelsoynowhiponly140degrees fuckwads!!!!!! I just know it!!

End rant.

people who should really just take the emergency exit out of my life, but dont.

So I haven't posted in awhile. Is it that because I have finally gotten my panties out of a bunch? Oh hell, no. Its because of life. And people. Maybe even you.

Today's panty wedgie is due to the fact that an old friend whom I may have a had a complicated past with wants to get a drink and catch up. I don't HATE this person... in fact I guess I really care for them... but I am far better without them in my life. I'm sure this person is thinking drinks will be all "oh tell me whats new!" ... but I am not going to say that.

I hear from other people how their life is going and I am not excited or impressed by these new decisions. I don't like this persons significant other... at all... In fact I could post a full blog stating all the reasons why this significant other is socially dysfunctional, has the personality of wet cardboard and is about as pleasant as a taint rash.

So what does one say when a friend is making all sorts of shitty decisions... to you. I mean my friend obviously is excited for life's new twist and turns. I frankly am speechless and not exactly sure how I am going to get through an entire get together asking nothing personal about their life.

Do you just say "I'm happy your happy"?

Do I cancel?

Or do I let my opinions get the best of me and congratulate them on their shitty shitty shitty life.

--Twisted Panty