getting the proverbial "gold star" from someone with the credentials of my couch.

My couch is hideous. Its all sorts of colors, but I cant complain because it was free. It has served me well in my move from my parents house, but this couch has a past. I am told it has been peed on before my coming to possess it. It has most defiantly been peed on since my ownership of it, but that's an entirely different story. The couch creaks, can come apart, and has many chambers that hold wondrous treasures of lost nuts (of the legumes family as well as male), beer caps, pens, safety pins, and loose change. If you were to look beneath my couch you will find enough hair, dust, buttons, food and dead leaves to create a nest most of my neighbors would be thrilled to live in. I have since decided that this eyesore needs a cover to better present myself as an adult to the outside(well 'inside' actually) world.

The purpose of my first blog is not to inform you of my lounging apparatus, but to point out the similarities between my couch and the growing number of people in society that forget that they are nothing more than a shitty couch with a cover.

Today's wonderful weather and great hair day was slammed to a screeching halt by a few arrogant shits who like to be "supportive" but in turn only make me see red and envision a great closing scene from my employment. Something ala Jennifer Anistons character in Office Space.

It is not uncommon for myself to be a bit late for work or not always make my numbers. Does this make me a shitty employee? Maybe. However, I would just like to point out I don't steal, talk down to people, ignore company policy (well... not really anyway), think I am better than anyone or try to make anyone elses life any harder than it already is. I don't over achieve in my "in-between" job, but I also try not to be a general ass clown either.

So today I come into work early and I can feel something coming. Something that maybe in the right context would be flattering, but this is not said context. Someone notices the time... and whats that noise??

Applause.

Oh-- OH LOOK AT THIS!! A HIGH FIVE! A pat on the back even!! "Great job" they say!

I smile. "Thank You!" "Yes I know! I did it!" " ha! wow, yes I know I should be proud of myself"

See this is what comes out of my mouth but whats really going on in my head is "Oh yes, thank you for pointing out to the WHOLE FUCKING STORE that I made it here on time! I'm sure you feel this is supportive and your doing "your part" in promoting great store morale, but really it make me want to turn and applaud you for making it through life this far and not needing rehab. I mean, if I woke up everyday and had to call this sorry excuse for a job my CAREER I'd be drinking a whole lot... and taking unprescribed prescription meds. Oh wait, you already do that... well hey, you know, congrats to you for being above the whole sober thing... its really just over rated, right?

"And honestly I came in Early because I really love this place. And you...hey you:) I couldn't sleep much I was filled with so much exCITEment of coming in and seeing if we would be on the same shift. You get excited a lot too right? Like when you make it through a therapy session without remembering how you REALLY wanted to be a writer or a FBI agent when you were a little kid and now you work in this really cool customer-service-type job. Ya know, congrats to you for rolling with the punches.

But ummm... I just want to say that if you ever exude your supposed 'superiority' over me again with infantile clapping and high fives for my arrival to this fucking shitbox, Ill make sure to respond with equal age appropriate behavior and hike my skirt and make tinkle all over this floor... ok?"

--Twisted Panty