Sex and the City- anyone REALLY care?

I am sooooo tired of all the press about this movie. "Does she or doesn't she? Ooohhhhh..." All the different articles about Carrie marrying Mr. Big, as if this show was ever relevant to anyone outside of Manhattan.

Let's not forget all the references to Carrie Bradshaw being a style icon and i have to say, that really makes want to gag on my cosmo. (I'd like to throw her on What Not To Wear. Clinton and Stacy would rip her a new one.) Was anyone paying attention to her clothes? Really? Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure that half the shit she wore either didn't match or wasn't flattering to her figure or was just plain fucking ugly. Seriously. Sarah J.P. has a place in my heart because we have the same nappy-ass frizzball hair that takes hours of taming with a whip and chair to get it to settle down. But I'm not claiming any of these outfits.
I would also like to point out that i think this show is responsible for middle class women thinking they should own Manolos and the Hermes Berkin Bag. If Richard Branson asked me to marry him tomorrow(i'd say no, i don't like British accents) with the only requirement being no pre-nup, i still would not spend five grand on a purse.
Oh and by the way, if you live at home with your mama but have five coach purses, guess what we call that where i'm from? Ghetto fabulous. No one's buying it, sweetheart. We all know you're broke ass can't afford that shit so stop trying to act like you're someone you aren't.
Back to the rant at hand- Charlotte- Whiner. Samantha- Old Skank/Hag. Miranda-the ugly one, or as we say in my circle, "the bulldog." (ask me about that later). Carrie-So far from being a real person, it makes me sad what they'll put on tv these days. But we hit an all time low years ago with a show about people eating sheep testes or swimming in pig's blood, so whatever.
Like, oh my god, they're talking about me and my friends cuz like, we're all pretty skanky too and we like to drink and party so i REALLY identify with this show.
i'm over it.

women who "hover" over public toliets.

I can still remember being a young girl in the burbs going out for a Sunday with my grandmother. My grandmother was the over protective type that insisted on following me everywhere. Like if we were at the mall and I walked to a different clothing rack I would hear my name being called in a panicked fashion. Clearly I must have been stolen.

In our many adventures it would not be uncommon to have to use the little girls room and she would insist that we share a bathroom stall. I would go to sit down and she would say *gasp* "NO-- don't sit down on the seat... its so dirty!" My little legs didn't give me quite enough bow room to do "the hover" or squat so I would fall on the seat and get upset. She insisted that even though I couldn't hover, I needed to wash my hands "right away!" I'm not sure how that helped the fact that my ass was tainted by the dirty seat, but I scrubbed my hands as much as possible.

There we even a few times that she would go in front of me with her perfected hover and I would watch in confused awe as her piss would spray all over the toilet seat. Wasn't this how the seats got dirty in the first place?

Id just like to say to all the women out there that feel their asses are too good to place on a public toilet seat, that YOU are the reason public restrooms are nasty!! Why do you need to spray your piss all over the seat and beyond?? Is it a way of marking your territory? In all my many shit-ass jobs, the women's restrooms that were the worst were the ones at the upper class establishments. Why is this? Do rich people think that their precious, overly fed, spoiled asses are too pristine to sit down on a toilet seat??

Please, I know you rich bitches have had more nasty shit up up or on your asses then a little bulk toilet cleaner and the shadow of the ass before. Are you worried about catching an STD? Do we need to go back to health class to explain how this works?

If nasty ho A. rubs her infested cooter on the toilet rim and then nasty ho B. tries to rub her cootch on the same spot... like tries to insert it... then maybe...JUST MAYBE... something can be transferred.

Moral of this blog: SIT THE FUCK DOWN TO PEE! or at least wipe up your piss-mist after.

--Twisted Panty

Jack Black. Just stop.

You know what gets my undies in a bunch?
Ah, Jack Black. I see you are going to ruin another movie, this time an animated feature, Kung Fu Panda, or some nonsense like that . I tried hard to like you. I did. But you are simply not funny. And not funny in a really, really fat way. Honestly, if i wanted to see an overweight, hair-laden, unattractive man humiliate himself while partially nude, I'll watch pretty much any Will Ferrell movie. At least a good portion of his films are moderately amusing. I can't think of any of yours off the top of my head that i would ever recommend to even a person whom i hoped would put cigarette butts out in his or her asshole. Please stop. And stop eating while your at it. 'Funny fat guy' went out when Chris Farley died. If the only way you can get laughs anymore is by grabbing your massive beer-trophy gut and shaking it all about hokey-pokey style, then you are off your game, my friend. Hang it up while you can still possibly scrape what's left of your dignity off the floor.
End rant.

People who take advantage...you know who you are

I'm trying to keep this anonymous so let's just say i run a very respectable mealworm farm out of my basement. All my friends know i have mealworms and some have even purchased a few mealworms from me from time to time.
However, one person in particular flat out told me she can't afford to buy my mealworms and could i possibly email her my very private, protected, er, secrets on how to grow them.
I'm sorry but did you just ask me to give you something for free that i charge other people for? Could you please go fornicate yourself? I don't you like you THAT much.
So i gave her some very crappy instructions that i ...ahem...doctored. And of course, she kept emailing me with questions as to what she may have done wrong with her mealworms. (I did NOT respond)
*chuckle*
From one Jew to another- quit being a Jew! If you don't wanna spend a couple hundred dollars on books on how to farm your mealworms, and then a couple hundred man hours with your oven, i mean, your worms, trying to figure out what the best, um, farms are, then go spend a night or two on the internet. There are mealworms discussion boards aplenty! (god, this metaphor is starting to suck)
I would never ask someone made cute t-shirts if i could wear one for a special occasion, then give it back. Well, i can't think of an appropriate anecdote, but i think you get it.
So, to all you bitches who think it's okay to take advantage of your friends...suck it long and hard.

The exsistance of Lindsey Lohan

Twisted Panty would like to introduce its newest staff writer... "He-who-wears-Hotpants". Or at least that is what I am calling him until he comes up with a better name. The following is his letter to above mentioned skank of the moment, Lindsey Lohan. Enjoy.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Let me start by saying I would not call myself a "fan" of your movies, although I did enjoy 'Mean Girls'. But that was just thanks to good writing. I don't really think you're all that great of an actress. You're not terrible, I suppose. It's just there are several million other people who could act better given the chances you've had.

I am not here to rag on you for your personal life either. I am not alarmed that I for see you dying in the next year of some sort of chemical overdose. Frankly I don't really care. If you're stupid enough to do those things then it's just nature's way of thinning out the herd.

Who am I to argue?

The reason I AM writing to you is because I feel you owe me 1 hour and 40 minutes of your life to make up for the time I lost sitting through the piece of corned up shit released as "I Know Who Killed Me." The name alone sounds like the 'working title' of a movie, and after seeing it, I'm sure they just left it as that because they knew nobody would see it anyway. I wish I had been so lucky. I should deduct the whole hour and 42 minutes, but I enjoyed the two minute scene of you getting tortured, so I am crediting you for that time.

To begin with, I am not a fan of extremely freckled bodies, in fact, I think I have a phobia of them. Seeing your pale, freckled skin trying to be sexy while acting as an exotic dancer was less enjoyable than fucking a cheese grater. The close-up shot of your freckled back nearly made me vomit in disgust. Kudos to you for getting those big boobs, I'm sure some men will overlook the disgusting gingerness of your skin just for a chance to touch them. Thankfully, I am gay and immune to their powers.

How could you possibly agree to make this movie? It made no sense. I understand that maybe you needed a paycheck (perhaps you've literally 'blown' through all the money you already made), but maybe you should have taken up real exotic dancing to make a few bucks. Seriously, anything would have been better than this piece of crap.

I think the scene that irritated the most was when Dakota got onto Aubrey's computer and immediately found the obscure web site devoted to non-religious twin stigmata. Yeah, that totally made sense. Working in a library, I can guarantee you that if a patron came to the reference desk saying that parts of their body were falling off and it was related to their unknown twin getting butchered... well, it would take that person with a masters degree in library science a hell of a lot longer than 8 seconds to stumble on that key piece of information. And yet, your character, the exotic dancing child of a deceased crack mother, found it immediately. Bravo.

I don't think I can manage to continue pointing out the flaws that made this movie so horrid. Please just see that you either 1) have a witch doctor suck out 1 hour and 40 minutes of your life and transfer it to me or 2) send a check in the amount of $1,400 payable to He-who-wears-Hotpants. If you need my address please let me know.

Warmest regards for a decent career revival,

He-who-wears-Hotpants

the phrase "Cool Beans"

Who the FUCK came up with that and why did everyone including myself think it was an OK thing to say?

Like, if my new top is awesome, does it remind you of a chilled garbanzo?? I don't understand. I do enjoy a few of the bean family members (not baked!) and I suppose I do think they are pretty rockin, but why would I want to associate all cool things in my life with some really bitchin beans?

WHO THE FUCK STARTED THIS??? AND WHY HAVE I FOLLOWED LIKE JUST ANOTHER PINTO TO ROLL OF THE PLATE???

I gotta say, I'm kinda pissed I ever said something so stupid

--Twisted Panty

getting the proverbial "gold star" from someone with the credentials of my couch.

My couch is hideous. Its all sorts of colors, but I cant complain because it was free. It has served me well in my move from my parents house, but this couch has a past. I am told it has been peed on before my coming to possess it. It has most defiantly been peed on since my ownership of it, but that's an entirely different story. The couch creaks, can come apart, and has many chambers that hold wondrous treasures of lost nuts (of the legumes family as well as male), beer caps, pens, safety pins, and loose change. If you were to look beneath my couch you will find enough hair, dust, buttons, food and dead leaves to create a nest most of my neighbors would be thrilled to live in. I have since decided that this eyesore needs a cover to better present myself as an adult to the outside(well 'inside' actually) world.

The purpose of my first blog is not to inform you of my lounging apparatus, but to point out the similarities between my couch and the growing number of people in society that forget that they are nothing more than a shitty couch with a cover.

Today's wonderful weather and great hair day was slammed to a screeching halt by a few arrogant shits who like to be "supportive" but in turn only make me see red and envision a great closing scene from my employment. Something ala Jennifer Anistons character in Office Space.

It is not uncommon for myself to be a bit late for work or not always make my numbers. Does this make me a shitty employee? Maybe. However, I would just like to point out I don't steal, talk down to people, ignore company policy (well... not really anyway), think I am better than anyone or try to make anyone elses life any harder than it already is. I don't over achieve in my "in-between" job, but I also try not to be a general ass clown either.

So today I come into work early and I can feel something coming. Something that maybe in the right context would be flattering, but this is not said context. Someone notices the time... and whats that noise??

Applause.

Oh-- OH LOOK AT THIS!! A HIGH FIVE! A pat on the back even!! "Great job" they say!

I smile. "Thank You!" "Yes I know! I did it!" " ha! wow, yes I know I should be proud of myself"

See this is what comes out of my mouth but whats really going on in my head is "Oh yes, thank you for pointing out to the WHOLE FUCKING STORE that I made it here on time! I'm sure you feel this is supportive and your doing "your part" in promoting great store morale, but really it make me want to turn and applaud you for making it through life this far and not needing rehab. I mean, if I woke up everyday and had to call this sorry excuse for a job my CAREER I'd be drinking a whole lot... and taking unprescribed prescription meds. Oh wait, you already do that... well hey, you know, congrats to you for being above the whole sober thing... its really just over rated, right?

"And honestly I came in Early because I really love this place. And you...hey you:) I couldn't sleep much I was filled with so much exCITEment of coming in and seeing if we would be on the same shift. You get excited a lot too right? Like when you make it through a therapy session without remembering how you REALLY wanted to be a writer or a FBI agent when you were a little kid and now you work in this really cool customer-service-type job. Ya know, congrats to you for rolling with the punches.

But ummm... I just want to say that if you ever exude your supposed 'superiority' over me again with infantile clapping and high fives for my arrival to this fucking shitbox, Ill make sure to respond with equal age appropriate behavior and hike my skirt and make tinkle all over this floor... ok?"

--Twisted Panty